These texts are not based on theory but on experience – on countless experiences of people close to alcoholics who know what it's like to live with them.
Perhaps they would say:
“We know what you’re going through. We know how disconcerting it is to live with a problem drinker, to see intimate and loving relationships torn apart by irrational anger and conflict, to see family life descend into chaos, to see precious money spent on alcohol or alcohol-related hospitalizations instead of essential goods, to see children grow up in a troubled and unpredictable environment. But we also know that if the person you love recognizes the problem and truly wants to stop drinking, then there is a solution that has worked for our loved ones and that can work for yours too.”
Despite all the problems that alcohol may have brought, you may not be willing to admit to yourself that you have a loved one who is an alcoholic. A problem drinker, yes, but not an alcoholic. The word can bring up many disturbing associations. Even if the alcoholic himself admits it, you may continue trying to deny it. Many people felt the same way about a loved one until they understood that alcoholism is a disease, a fact that current medicine confirms.
Alcoholics can recover.
An alcoholic is a person who suffers from a disease for which there is no known cure – that is, there is no cure that allows them to drink moderately, as a non-alcoholic would, for a long period of time. Because it is a disease – a physical compulsion combined with a mental obsession with alcohol – the alcoholic must learn to abstain completely from alcohol in order to live a normal life.
Basically, alcoholism is a health problem – a physical and emotional illness – and not a matter of lack of willpower or a problem of moral weakness. Just as it makes no sense to blame a diabetic for a lack of willpower for becoming ill, it is pointless to accuse the problem drinker of being responsible for the disease or to consider their drinking as an addiction.
Alcoholism takes many paths. Some AA members drank uncontrollably right from their first drink. In others, the progression was slow, taking decades to reach that uncontrolled drinking pattern. Some alcoholics are daily drinkers. Others manage to abstain for long periods and then suddenly lose control, binge drinking. These are what can be called seasonal drinkers.
One thing all alcoholics seem to have in common is that, over time, their drinking habits worsen. There is no data to prove that an alcoholic has been able to permanently return to a normal, social drinking pattern. It's not possible to be "a little bit alcoholic." Some alcoholics exhibit more severe symptoms than others, as the disease progresses in stages. However, once problem drinkers cross the line into alcoholism, they can no longer go back.
What can you do?
Knowing that over 2,000,000 problem drinkers have achieved sobriety in AA, you may be eager to “do anything” for the alcoholic in your life. You might want to explain to them that alcoholism is a disease and recommend that they read AA literature and then immediately go to the nearest AA meeting.
Sometimes this type of approach works. After reading AA pamphlets or books, many problem drinkers call their local AA office, start attending meetings, and leave their drinking days behind once and for all.
But, in reality, most active alcoholics are neither willing nor ready to turn to AA just because a loved one suggests it. Their drinking habits are deeply ingrained in their personality, and the alcoholic's compulsion to drink often generates a stubborn resistance to any kind of help. Admitting to being an alcoholic, however simple and obvious it may seem, implies that the person is committing to doing something about their drinking problem. And the alcoholic may not be ready for that. A frequent characteristic of the disease is the alcoholic believing that alcohol is indispensable for coping with life. In the confused mind of an alcoholic, the need to drink can literally seem like a matter of life or death.
When is the right time?
It is not easy to perceive when an alcoholic is “pronto” for AA. Nem todos os bebedores têm que chegar aos mesmos estados físicos ou mentais antes de se decidirem a procurar ajuda. Um alcoólico pode ser enquadrado, grosso modo, num destes quatro grupos:
1. These people may simply appear to be heavy drinkers. They may drink every day or less frequently, and only occasionally in large quantities. They spend a lot of money on alcoholic beverages and may already be suffering some physical and mental consequences, although they won't admit it. Their behavior is sometimes embarrassing. Still, they may continue to claim that they know how to handle alcohol and that consumption is essential for their work. They would probably feel insulted if someone called them "alcoholics." At this stage, they may be approaching the boundary that separates the social drinker from the binge drinker. Some may be able to moderate their drinking or even stop drinking completely. Others may cross this boundary, progressively lose the ability to control their consumption, and become alcoholics.
2. At this stage, drinkers have no control over their alcohol consumption and begin to worry. Unable to remain sober even when they want to, people in this group often completely lose control when they drink, and may even admit it the next day. But they are sure that "next time will be different." These drinkers resort to various "control" mechanisms: drinking only wine or beer, drinking only on weekends or only during certain hours of the day or night, or inventing a way to space out the time between drinks. They might take a "medicinal" drink in the morning to calm their nerves. After heavy drinking, they feel remorse and want to stop. However, as soon as they feel better, they begin to believe that next time they will actually be able to drink in moderation. They may even still fulfill their responsibilities at work or at home relatively well. The idea that their drinking will progressively worsen and could cause the loss of family, job, or the affection of others seems surreal to them. Meanwhile, they keep saying they would like to stop drinking. Those who have been in AA for a while would say, "They want to want to stop."
3. These drinkers have moved beyond the second stage. They have lost friends, cannot hold down jobs, and find that several intimate relationships are ruined. They may have already consulted doctors and begun the exhausting back-and-forth of detoxifications and hospitalizations. They understand very well that they are not able to drink normally, but they cannot understand why. They sincerely want to stop, but they can't. No one seems able to help them stay sober. In their search for a path to sobriety, they fall into ever-increasing despair. They have usually already tried some form of psychological support and perhaps even a special diet or vitamin treatment, and for a short time, it may even seem that the situation has improved, but soon after, the decline continues. They lose all interest in constructive social relationships, in the world around them, and perhaps even in life itself. The only emotion they demonstrate with any consistency is self-pity.
4. In this final stage, drinkers may seem beyond redemption. They have already been through all the treatment centers. Often violent, they appear crazy or alienated from reality when drunk. Sometimes, returning home from the hospital, they still manage to drink in secret. They may suffer from alcoholic hallucinations – delirium tremens (DT). At this point, doctors may recommend that the drinker be admitted to an institution.
Perhaps you've had to do this yourself. In many respects, these drinkers seem like "desperate" cases. However, AA experience shows that, no matter how low they've fallen, it's rare for drinkers to be beyond some hope of recovery in AA – that is, if they actually want to recover.
It can take some time before alcoholics admit their illness. They may argue that their problems are “different” and that AA is not necessary or desirable for them. These drinkers often report that they are still far from “rock bottom,” as what they consider to be “rock bottom” keeps getting lower and lower. Or else, they simply continue to insist on how they are able to stay sober on their own. Unfortunately, they are not, and they don't.
Those who love an alcoholic may find such reactions and subterfuges difficult to accept. The stark truth is that no one can impose the AA program on anyone. However, if the drinker you love is hesitant to accept this help, then you can act to support the recovery process.
You can gain a solid understanding of the AA program—ideally firsthand—so that when the alcoholic is ready, you will be in the best position to help. You can also get information by writing to or calling AA or Al-Anon Family Groups.
In many communities, family and friends of AA members (and those who need AA) meet regularly to share experiences and perspectives on the problems of alcoholism. These groups are known as Al-Anon Family Groups. Among them are Alateen groups, specifically for teenagers who have alcoholic parents. Al-Anon is not affiliated with AA, but its contribution has been substantial to a growing understanding of the AA recovery program. They believe that alcoholism is a family disease and that a change in attitudes can facilitate recovery.
AA's long experience has taught us that it takes trust and patience to motivate an alcoholic to begin their recovery process. If you see that the alcoholic reacts to your enthusiastic recommendation of AA by refusing even to discuss the matter, you may become discouraged and resentful. Sometimes, because of the confusion caused by the alcoholic, or because the children are being negatively affected, you may decide to leave and let them face the problem alone. The fact that you have nowhere to go but AA may actually lead the alcoholic to seek help sooner than they would have if you had stayed around. Sometimes you have to be tough at the right time, so you can be kind in the long run.
The alcoholic may still outwardly resist the idea of AA, but it's possible they are already close to accepting its encouragement and support, and making the decision to join AA or at least listen to what other recovering alcoholics have to say about the program. At this stage, the alcoholic is usually confused: they know the disease needs to be treated somehow, but are unable to clearly assess the situation. Alcoholics often have a false idea of AA and its members. Therefore, your own knowledge of Alcoholics Anonymous can become extremely useful during this critical period. You will be able to answer questions, make suggestions, and correct misconceptions about AA.
WHO PARTICIPATES
IN THE MEETING OF
Alcoholics Anonymous
Most groups hold one or more meetings per week, some "closed" (only for AA members or newcomers) and others "open" (for family and friends). At these meetings, members share their experiences with alcohol before joining AA, and explain how AA principles led them to sobriety and a new perspective on life.
AA members are generally representative of all sectors of society. They include teachers, professionals, and business people, as well as people with little or no schooling. A stockbroker and a doctor, both alcoholics, founded AA. Alcoholism is indifferent to intelligence, talent, education, or social standing, and can affect a nurse or a priest as easily as an artist or a writer.
It is not a religious organization.
Alcoholics Anonymous has been described as being primarily a spiritual program. It's true that it doesn't offer any material assistance, as a social support organization would. But AA is by no means a religious organization. It doesn't ask its members to hold any formal creed or perform any rituals, not even to believe in God. Its members belong to all kinds of churches. Many belong to none. AA only asks newcomers to keep an open mind and respect the beliefs of others.
Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) maintains that alcoholism, in addition to being a physical and emotional disease, is also to some extent a spiritual disorder. Because most alcoholics have been unable to manage their lives, they seem to find effective therapy in the decision to surrender their destiny to a power greater than themselves. Many AA members refer to this power as "God." Others consider the AA group as that power on which they can depend. The word "spiritual" in AA can be interpreted as broadly as you like. And there's no doubt that you feel a certain spirit of fellowship at every AA meeting!
The Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous
Part of the recovery program that AA suggests is outlined in the Twelve Steps. Based on the experience of the first AA members, the Steps are a record of the principles and practices they developed to maintain sobriety (after many other approaches had failed). If the alcoholic in your life recoils at the idea of having to adopt a formal code of conduct, you can reassure them. Each member uses the Steps individually. The Steps are suggested as a recovery program. Although experience shows that the quality of sobriety for many members depends, to some extent, on their understanding and acceptance of the Steps, no AA member is obligated to accept them – or even to read them. It is up to each individual to decide how and when they will use the Steps.
The Al-Anon community provides support to family and friends of alcoholics. You can access the Al-Anon website here: Al-Anon – Site